I feel like I did in 1999. When I went through this family drama the first time. When I thought we were going to lose him.

The difference this time, is what I'm doing about that feeling...this feeling.

I've got that "live for the moment," "dive in," "have fun," "don't take everything so seriously" feeling.

In 1999, I celebrated that feeling by going out frequently and dancing the nights away; ignoring homework; kissing a boy who didn't like me like I wanted to be liked.

I'm much more grown up about it all this time. Haha. Instead, I'm dropping cash on fun toys for myself (not *those* kinds of toys) and becoming a joiner. In the past two days, I've joined the gym and an ultimate frisbee team.

I still feel like I need to enjoy life while I have it and have as much fun as I can, but this time I'm not drinking and dancing. I am thinking about kissing a boy who doesn't like me that way, but I...

I haven't let it all out yet. I haven't even cried. Ok, now I am. haha. I try to be so strong, but I really just want to have a stronger person right now to just stroke my hair, hold me and say, it's all ok. You got through it. I love you and it's ok to let it all out right now.

I'm lonely. Not in the people in my life way, but in the way where I really want to be with someone.

I'm going to regret this posting. But I'm going to force myself to keep it up.

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